Let me tell you what doesn’t work when you’re trying to connect with a kid who lives online:
- Limiting screen time (they just resent you)
- Lecturing about “real life” (they tune you out)
- Competing with the screen for attention (you’ll lose)
I know because I tried all of it.
My kids were slipping into virtual worlds I didn’t understand, and the harder I fought to pull them back, the further they drifted. Every conversation about “getting offline” became a battle. Every attempt to connect felt like an interruption to them.
Here’s what I learned: you can’t pull them out. You have to meet them where they are.
Stop Treating Gaming Like the Enemy
The first shift I had to make was simple but hard: gaming wasn’t the problem.
My kids weren’t wasting time. They were:
- Building problem-solving skills
- Collaborating with teammates
- Learning strategy under pressure
- Forming genuine friendships
- Exploring identities and testing boundaries
Once I stopped seeing gaming as “screen addiction” and started seeing it as a culture they inhabited, everything changed.
Ask About Their Games (And Actually Listen)
This sounds obvious, but here’s the key: don’t ask to judge. Ask to understand.
Bad question: “How much longer are you going to be on that thing?”
Good question: “What’s your strategy for this level? How does that work?”
When I started asking real questions—about their builds in Minecraft, their team dynamics in Valorant, their favorite streamers—they lit up. Not because I was suddenly cool, but because I was finally curious instead of critical.
Learn the Language
You don’t have to become a gamer. But learning some basic terminology goes a long way:
- “GG” = good game
- “Clutch” = pulling off a win under pressure
- “Nerf” = making something weaker (usually after an update)
- “Farming” = repetitive tasks to earn resources
When you can understand what they’re talking about, you stop being an outsider. You become someone they can share their world with.
Watch Them Play (Without Commentary)
Ask if you can watch. Then just… watch.
Don’t critique. Don’t offer advice. Don’t check your phone.
Just be present and interested.
You’d be amazed how much this matters. It says: Your world is worth my attention.
Find the Story
Every game has a story. Ask about it.
- What’s the lore of this world?
- Who’s your main character and why did you choose them?
- What’s your favorite quest and why?
Gaming isn’t just button-mashing. It’s narrative, choice, consequence. If you can see the story, you can connect to what they love about it.
Create Bridges Between Worlds
Once you understand their gaming culture, you can build bridges:
- “That boss fight sounds like the challenge you faced in soccer tryouts.”
- “Your team coordination reminds me of how bands have to sync up.”
- “That quest about loyalty—have you ever faced something similar in real life?”
You’re not pulling them away from gaming. You’re helping them see the connections between virtual and real.
What Worked For Me
I wrote them a book.
I know, that sounds extra. But hear me out:
Connection: Lost is about Jay, a teen gamer who’s recruited to beta-test a VR combat sim. He’s incredible online, struggles offline, and has to figure out who he is when both worlds collide.
I wrote it because I wanted to give my kids something that honored their gaming culture while asking questions about identity and connection. I wanted a story we could talk about together—one that lived in both their world and mine.
The Real Answer
You connect with a gaming-obsessed teen the same way you connect with anyone: by showing up with genuine curiosity instead of an agenda.
They’re not lost in the screen. They’re building worlds, solving problems, forming friendships. They’re doing what humans have always done—they’re just doing it in a new space.
Meet them there. The connection will follow.
Want the behind-the-scenes story you won’t find on the blog? Join my reader community for exclusive bonus content, updates on Book 2, and the personal essay about what writing Connection: Lost taught me about connection.
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